Self Compassion challenge

It's almost 1 week into the New Year and already, many people are wondering why they are already having a challenge with the resolutions. My feeling- you won't get anywhere, until you love yourself first!

Nearly 30 years ago my biological mother called to ask if I could come pick her up from a night club. It was after midnight, I was six months pregnant and nearly a year before this same person was the cause of me being charged for receiving stolen property. I chose not to go. I woke up to an early morning call around 7am, that my brother found her unresponsive…I rushed out the door, arriving at the house..she was dead. For years the pain and guilt of not going to get her hung over me.

Nothing I seemed to say to myself would make the pain and shame go away. I had a lump in my stomach, and I couldn’t stop replaying the situation in my head. Deep down, I knew where my heart was when I made the decision, a piece of me was forever broken, and I felt like the worst person in the world. I had no idea when—or even if—I’d ever be able to forgive myself.

The idea of self-compassion wasn’t moving me; I believed feeling bad would somehow make me feel better, at least for a short period. In the back of my mind, however, another thought chiseled away at my peace of mind—it was better to find ways to learn from the experience because I sure as hell didn’t want to experience this pain again.

I softened and reminded myself that I needed to find ways to make the scar stronger than the surrounding tissue. I didn’t set boundaries, I overextended myself. The balance between holding myself accountable and self-forgiveness was difficult. I know all emotions serve a purpose and mistakes help us evolve into better people.

I’ve coached many people through their own stories. They all share the same internal ominous, stomach-churning feeling that people get when they realize they’ve done something wrong.

It could be as simple as forgetting a loved one’s birthday, sending a hurtful text, not paying respects to attend a funeral, or lying to their partner. The reality is, we sometimes hurt people we love, make poor judgments, and do things that fall below the moral standards to which we hold ourselves.

Pay attention to “behavior that reinforces a defeated low self-image.” It means if we see ourselves as bad people, we will subconsciously sabotage our desire to change. We will keep repeating the actions that prove to us we are bad or unworthy of the light and good we seek.

Self-compassion doesn’t mean we skip the step of feeling bad; it simply means that we work through these feelings of self-resentment and then relieve ourselves of them once they’ve served their purpose to teach us.

There’s a book that says that increased self-compassion is much more effective for us than increased self-esteem. It’s the counter approach to the high levels of narcissism we see all over social media today. Researchers state that self-esteem itself is not the problem; it’s the way we pursue it because self-esteem is usually based on feeling special and above-average or better than others.

Self-compassion, on the other hand, means treating yourself with the same kindness and compassion as you would treat those you care about, like friends and family. When we have compassion for ourselves, we don’t beat ourselves up when we fail. Instead, we recognize that everyone fails and that it’s normal. It allows us to grow from the experience. And that leads to a sense of self-worth and hope.

You can strengthen your faith and mental toughness while seeking out ways you can learn. Are you mentally tough? Mental toughness is believing you will prevail in your circumstances rather than believing your circumstances will change. I found an evidence-based assessment you can try. (only sharing for personal evaluation)

The word ‘trauma’ comes from the Greek word for ‘wound.’ This term, of course, encompasses physical, psychological, and emotional ordeals. One commonality between all types of trauma is that it interferes with the daily functioning of a person’s life, sometimes to a severe degree.

My father in law, Winter once said, “Trauma is the glimpse of truth that tells us a lie, the lie that love is impossible, that peace is an illusion.”

Trauma is the result of repeated exposure to events that are emotionally disturbing with lasting effects on a person. Trauma doesn’t have to come in the form of war or an isolated assault — sometimes it looks like discrimination on a daily basis. As a Black American I grew up with this…so can others that come from a marginalized community. According to research and experts, when we drop our defenses, it’s easier to enter into productive conversations about our trauma, and if needed, ask for help. Once we get our ego out of the way, we can return to one of our most important life skills—self-care.

It's been shared that when it comes to self-compassion: women tend to be less self-compassionate than men. As women, we appear to have more trouble pulling away from the role of nurturer. “I should be meeting the needs of others” is a mentality that is put or ‘role modeled’ upon many women from an early age.

Women tend to be more compassionate toward others than men. Which is a discrepancy between how women treat themselves and how they treat others. Psychologists tend to think this is because a woman’s instinct to protect those they love often trumps their own need for self-compassion.

My goal is to support your work as you collect and reconnect, with the parts of yourself that have been taken, given, shadowed, exiled, and/or dissociated away. In other words, you become whole again, before the trauma(s) shattered and fragmented your internal self.

Bottom line: we all need self-compassion if we want to grow from our trauma and come out stronger and high performing.

How can you harness kindness while standing up and being fierce?

5-Day Challenges for Self-Compassion

Day 1

1. Feel all of your emotions, not just the ones that look good from the outside. Try writing them down or circling them on the Emotion Wheel.

2. Identify the things for which you need to forgive yourself. Often, you are your worst critic and you can be incredibly unforgiving of yourself and your reactions.

3. Permit yourself to express what you are feeling without judgment because there are no right or wrong emotions, only ones that exist.

4. Name the things for which you are grateful.

Day 2

1. Ask yourself: how would I treat my best friend in this situation? You might find you’re better at being compassionate to others than to yourself.

2. How do you respond when a friend is hurting?

3. How do you respond when a friend has made a mistake?

4. What would you like to say to yourself when you’ve made a mistake?

Day 3

1. Place your hands over your heart and count to 10 slowly. Your physiology calms down and the caregiving system gets activated. It will help you to talk to yourself with kindness.

2. Cuddle-this isn’t sexual, give someone a hug who needs it. If you have a pet..snuggle with pet.

3. Spend time in nature. Breathe in and let the sun and wind hit your face.

Day 4

1. Write a letter to yourself. Think of a situation that caused you to feel pain (a breakup with a lover, a job loss, a poorly received presentation). Write a letter to yourself describing the situation, but without blaming anyone — including yourself. Use this exercise to nurture your feelings.

2. Apologize or admit a mistake you’ve made. Self-compassion gives you the resources to acknowledge a mistake because you see yourself more clearly. You’re not saying that you’re a bad person. You’re simply admitting that you are taking responsibility for a mistake and not beating yourself up over it at the same time. You are valued and need to believe that you are worthy now, right this minute. Worthiness doesn't have prerequisites.

3. Notice how you feel after the apologies. Is there a sense of peace? Forgiveness?

Day 5

1. Comfort your body. Eat something you love that is healthy. Lie down and rest. Massage your own neck, feet, or hands. Take a walk. Anything you can do to improve how you feel physically gives you a dose of self-compassion.

2. Give yourself encouragement. Think of what you would say to a good friend if he or she was facing a difficult or stressful situation. Then, when you find yourself in this kind of situation, direct these compassionate responses toward yourself.